While most people might immediately think that it is the person who is gambling who suffers most harm from gambling, the reality is that each harmful gambler adversely impacts on average six or more other people.
Mainly this involves those people closest to them – partners, children and other family – but can also extend to friendship groups, local communities, and work colleagues.
Upwards of 7 million people in the UK experience a variety of harms caused by someone close to them gambling in a harmful, disordered or addictive manner.
Many of these 7 million are children, partners, and family members. The majority of whom do not themselves gamble, yet they all still suffer harm caused by gambling.
While there are increasing resources around treatment, support and understanding of gambling addiction there is still a lack of focus on those who are not themselves the cause of the pain and harm they suffer.
The Research
Another common misconception about gambling is that financial loss is the most common and serious form of harm experienced. But all recent research, including the Gambling Commission’s own Gambling Survey for Great Britain, suggest that this is incorrect.
Financial harm is NOT viewed as being the most significant and common consequence of harmful gambling, whether by those who themselves are gambling harmfully or by those impacted by that other person’s gambling.
Instead, research and evidence from people experiencing harm tells us that the most traumatic and persistent legacy harm relates to lost and damaged relationships. Followed by increased conflict/violence, adverse health issues, financial loss, social exclusion, family neglect, and even involvement in crime.
While these harms impact both the individual gambling and those affected by that gambling the extent and nature of harm experienced by Loved Ones is often markedly and surprisingly different.
These differences include Loved Ones being:
120% more likely to report relationship breakdown.
33% more likely to suffer violence and abuse
25% more likely to find themselves engaging in criminal acts.
27% less likely to report having lost something of significant financial value
than the individual who gambles*.
[* based on 2024 UK Gambling Commission’s Gambling Survey for Great Britain.]
When asked about the adverse impacts they felt they had experienced due to a family member’s gambling, a Sheffield Hallam University study** found family members reported the following:
99% experienced related health issues
of which
84% resulted in moderate or serious impact.
89% felt increased relationship tensions – including suspicion and resentment.
82% experienced increased family conflict – including arguments, fights & ultimatums.
77% experienced reduced social involvement
with
71% felt excluded or isolated from others due to shame and embarrassment.
18% found themselves neglecting parental duties.
13% borrowed money with no intention of repaying.
3% felt compelled to commit crime to pay family debts.
Lost trust, relationship and family breakdown, and long term health impacts were seen as being far more significant in terms of lasting harm than any financial loss incurred.
** Families Living with Problem Gambling [Banks, Anderson, Best, et al, 2018]
The Human Impact
Most people experiencing harm through another’s gambling also feel shame and guilt over finding themselves harmfully impacted.
They are often conflicted by a need to show compassion and care, while being mindful of the ongoing harm which staying in a relationship where gambling is present is causing them. Separating the callous nature of actions carried out under gambling addiction from their love and trust in the person is hugely challenging, and perhaps the hardest single barrier to be overcome if a relationship is to survive.
For this reason we strongly suggest those impacted harmfully by gambling conducted by another should take time to read about just how addiction and Gambling Disorder actually impact an individual’s self-autonomy. Not necessarily to forgive, but to understand what previous rock solid assumptions about what a loved one would or wouldn’t do in the way of hurting or jeopardizing a relationship.
It is important to be able to separate the actions from the causes.
Another area where those impacted by a Loved One’s gambling find it hard to adjust is in knowing what they can still trust that person to do, what responsibilities can be left with them, and what responsibilities they need to take over themselves.
Protect yourself first
Draconian as it sounds we would suggest that a person who is gambling harmfully, even when trying to stop, should have total access to household finances and power to enter into credit agreements removed. At least temporarily.
If you have ever seen an air safety demonstration on a plane then you may well have heard the advice that in the case of sudden cabin depressurisation and oxygen masks being deployed that you should always fit your own oxygen mask before trying to assist others. This principle also applies to discovering financial harm from gambling has been happening.
With dishonesty being a common issue with harmful gambling this can also lead to unexpected criminality on the part of the person who gambles. We suggest having a very frank discussion with the individual to discover if they may have exposed themselves to possible criminal actions, perhaps from their employer. If this does indeed turn out to be the case then the family or partner should seek legal advice of their own as there may be a pressing need to create legal separation of ownership of what was previously thought of as being “joint” assets – including the family home. Criminal action taken against their Loved One may result in shared assets being “confiscated” as part of Proceeds of Crime Act recovery (POCA).
It may even be advisable, if extremely painful, to report losses to the police yourself as that may be the only way to claim on insurance and may give you greater input into the criminal recovery process.
The Danger of Compassion or Avoiding Awkwardness
Quite often a Loved One with a harmful or disordered gambling behaviour will reach a point where they feel a need to reach out for financial support. That will often be to a close family member, often a parent if they are still there.
If a Loved One does do this then we would give one very important piece of advice. If you suspect the financial need might be related to gambling, and even if you don’t think it is we would suggest asking about the presence of gambling just in case, then there is one hard-fast rule which may save you further pain in future… and may even save your Loved One’s life.
DO NOT GIVE THEM MONEY UNTIL THEY HAVE SOUGHT SPECIALIST HELP TO STOP GAMBLING!!!
Too often family members fail to understand that gambling can be an ADDICTION and not just a “silly mistake”. Simply giving that person financial support and expecting them to heed your advice about “not gambling” is the worst possible outcome. It may save having to have conversations which you find make you “uncomfortable”, but it is very likely that what you are doing is enabling further gambling, and for the person to dig an even deeper hole.
Worse still, it will likely have taken a considerable amount of humble pie for the person to approach their family in the first place. Meaning their financial situation is almost certainly worse than even they say it is.
They will feel considerable shame at having had to come “cap in hand” for such a “shameful” reason, and will be very conscious of having lost face and respect in the helper’s eyes – whether that is actually the case or not.
This can be very dangerous, as if they then lose that money gambling, as is very likely without having been made to seek treatment as part of the condition of receiving it, then their guilt and shame will only be increased… but with one major difference. Because the family member helping them out told then expressly not to gamble with that money yet they then went and did just that, the person who does then gamble it may feel that they can no longer go back to this helper for further support. Effectively, the guilt, shame and stigma may leave them feeling that there is no one left whom they can turn to, and that rather than compound the disappointment their family now view them with that a more acceptable solution is to harm themselves rather than be the cause of further family shame. This can ultimately lead to suicidal ideation.
“I am NOT alright”
Another major difference between someone gambling harmfully and those who are being harmed by that gambling comes in the perception of support and recovery available to them.
While the person gambling can enter recovery and be aware of how well they are progressing, family and loved one’s are often left feeling constant anxiety and loss of self-autonomy.
Wanting to support their loved one, and also any dependent family, means that quite often they suppress the truth that they themselves are ‘not alright’, and need support of their own.
It is sometimes said that while admitting to needing help for gambling on the part of the person who is gambling may be day 100/1000/10,000 of their journey with the pain of harm, it is usually day 1 of the person they confide it in. The person gambling may feel an incredible lift of pressure from having finally shared something which has been a guilty burden over them, but the impact on the person they have revealed it to cannot be understated. Often it will be the first time they really understood what was happening, and the trust betrayal they have been unknowingly experiencing.
The person gambling may be able to enter recovery and do well, but those around them cannot see what they are thinking or feeling internally, so will often find themselves living day to day in an unexpectedly stressful state. Worrying about whether the individual in recovery is secretly relapsing, or about to drop another unexpected bombshell on them.
Those discovering a Loved One has been harbouring a secret gambling addiction NEED to have support of their own. They also need to be given assurance that it is alright to say that they are NOT alright.
The first rule of recovery always has to be… focus on yourself first. As with the oxygen mask analogy, there is no point worrying about how others might be coping if you yourself are not coping.
Luckily there are support groups and treatment providers who specialise in supporting Family and Loved Ones facing up to harms caused by someone else.
To find these services we would suggest checking out our Where to Find Help page.